


open up my eyes (tell me i'm alive)

by itainthardtryin



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, lots of internal alex angst, there is uncomfortable but necessary alex/boys intimacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 18:15:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8763775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itainthardtryin/pseuds/itainthardtryin
Summary: Five times intimacy just didn't feel right for Alex, and the one time that it did.





	

The first time Alex ever kisses a boy she’s fourteen years old.

They’ve been hanging out after school for the past few months with a larger group of friends, but Thomas asks her to meet up alone at the weekend to watch a movie. She’s excited, because it’s one she’s wanted to see, so she accepts without hesitation.

Saturday comes and Eliza drops her off at the theater. Thomas is waiting already, leaning against the wall, and he smiles when she gets out of the car.

“Hey,” he says. “I got us tickets already. The queue was getting long so I figured I’d save us the wait.”

Alex smiles. “Thanks,” she says, taking her own ticket.

“After you,” Thomas replies, motioning for her to lead the way, and she does.   


They’re about thirty minutes into the movie when Alex feels his hand on her leg. It startles her and her head spins round to look at him.

“This okay?” he whispers.

A million things run through her head at once. How did she not see that this is what this was? That this is all she is to him? She swallows away her nerves, and thinks that she’s old enough now that maybe she needs to start dating. Vicky is already kissing boys and having them come to her house, so maybe it’s time Alex started catching up.

She leans in and is slightly amused at how Thomas’ eyes go wide before their lips touch.  

It’s nothing like she expected.

It’s wet, and it’s sloppy, but she guesses that it must get better with practice. The kiss lasts for maybe ten, fifteen seconds, but to Alex it’s too long. She pulls back first and feels slightly guilty at the smile on Thomas’ face because she feels anything but happy.

Alex spends the rest of the movie wondering why she doesn’t feel excited or different, but instead she just feels a little lost.

  


//

 

She lets a guy touch her skin for the first time when she’s seventeen.

She’s at a party. She’s drunk. He’s there. She doesn’t even know his name.

All of a sudden they’re in the bathroom together and he’s kissing her and yeah, kissing definitely got better since her kiss with Thomas in the movie theater, but she still feels like she’s missing something.

This guy pushes her up against the back of the door and suddenly Alex feels his hand slip under her top and graze the skin above her waistband. She tenses up immediately but he doesn’t seem to notice because his hand begins to move north and Alex’s heart begins to race.

It’s not like she’s naive. She’s almost an adult now and she knows that her friends have started having sex. (Not that she particularly enjoys listening to their stories about it, as the other girls seem to.) This isn’t sex. This is just a guy putting his hand under her top. Second base. She lets him keep going until his hand is on top of her bra, squeezing gently.

It’s foreign. That’s her first thought. It’s strange and new and no-one has ever touched her like this. Clearly this is not his first time touching a girl’s breasts as he quickly tries to move Alex’s bra out of the way for a better feel.

That’s where she draws the line. “Um,” she says, pulling away from the kiss and taking his hand away with her own. “Not with me. Not tonight,” is all she says, and he immediately gets it.

To her surprise, he’s not rude about it, but he doesn’t hang around and leaves her alone in the bathroom wondering why nothing ever feels right.

  


//

  


She’s twenty when a guy _touches_ her for the first time.

She’s dating. And hell, she’s kind of enjoying it. She hasn’t found a guy she likes enough to want to date _officially_ but she likes meeting new people. She’s on her third date of the month, some guy called Aaron she met through a friend. He’s good looking, she’ll give him that. Tall, athletic, on the college football team. But he’s smart too - he’s a science major, and they have a lot in common. They go to dinner and talk a lot and Alex thinks maybe this is it. She thinks she feels something. It’s small, but it’s there, and this must be what it’s like to meet someone you _like_.

He pays, and they get in his car for the drive home. Alex kind of doesn’t want the night to end, so she suggests something else.

“I don’t want to go home yet,” she admits. “Take me somewhere?”

Aaron’s face lights up. “I know just the place.”   


He takes her to a lookout point. And yeah, she knows what the implications are here. She’s not opposed to it, though. In fact, she kind of wants it.

“Wanna take this to the back seat?” he asks, and maybe he’s not the smoothest talker, but Alex agrees and within minutes she’s on her back with his tongue in her mouth. It’s the best she’s had yet, and when he slips his hand under her shirt, she helps him take it off.

They make out for a while and Alex loses track of time, but then Aaron’s hand is undoing the button of her pants and he’s pushing them down her legs. His fingers accidentally graze along her panties and she lets out a gasp.

He takes it as a good thing, and suddenly she feels his fingers touching her where no-one has ever touched her before.

She’s not wet. That’s all she can think about when he runs his fingers through her. She’s not wet, and she can tell that he notices, and she thought she was enjoying this but her body is speaking for her and-

“You not into this?” Aaron asks, and _god_ , she wishes the ground would swallow her up.

She shakes her head. “No, no, I’m fine, just nervous, keep going.” She doesn’t understand why she says it, why she keeps going when she knows in her heart that it’s not going to work for her. He spends a few more minutes trying to work her up, but it’s no use.

When he climbs off her and gets back into the front seat, Alex can’t help the tears that prick at her eyes.

  


//

  


Her first official boyfriend happens when she’s twenty-one.

She meets Mike in a bar and feels a click with him right away. He makes her laugh, compliments her, kisses her softer than any guy ever has before. He takes his time with her and Alex loves it.

He asks her to be his girlfriend five weeks after they meet, and Alex says yes. There’s a little flutter in her stomach, and a smile on her face because _finally._ She’s the last of all the girls she knows to have a boyfriend, but here she is, and it’s actually happening.

It goes well. He treats her like he should, she enjoys spending time with him, it’s everything a relationship should be.

They date for three months before they have sex.

He knows it’s Alex’s first time, and he makes every effort to make it special for her. They’re in her bed, and she feels safe, but her heart is racing and she wonders when it’s going to stop.

“Hey,” Mike says, with a hand on her cheek. “If you aren’t ready, we don’t have to.”

She’s ready. Or at least she thinks she is. She has to be.

“Just…. Slowly, okay?” she asks, and he complies. His hands roam her body and she can feel him everywhere. Her eyes are closed as she tries to get out of her head and into the moment. He positions himself between her legs and kisses her softly on the lips before she feels him guiding himself inside her.

He pushes in slowly and it’s not what Alex expected it to feel like _at all._ It’s uncomfortable, and a little painful, and he’s barely even halfway inside. She closes her eyes tighter and takes a deep breath, trying to relax her body knowing it will help.

He goes a little deeper with every slow thrust until eventually he’s completely inside her. He stops there for a second and strokes her cheek with his thumb. “You feel amazing,” he whispers, and Alex fakes a smile and kisses him hard and deep because she doesn’t want to lie to him.

He starts a rhythm and, much to Alex’s relief, it gets better. Not the type of better that she reads about or watches in movies, but it’s not _terrible_ . His thrusts are steady and consistent and she can see that he’s getting worked up pretty quickly. It’s not that she feels _nothing_ , it’s just that she’s nowhere near coming but Mike clearly is, so she quickens her breathing and moves her hips up to meet him.

He moves faster, and deeper now that Alex has adjusted the angle, and it takes maybe another minute before he’s coming with a groan and Alex is left lying on her back wondering how much longer it would have taken for her to experience the same.

 

//

 

She’s twenty-eight when she realises she’s gay.

She’s gay.

She’s honestly never been so sure of something in her life.

She’s _terrified_.

Because suddenly everything makes sense. All of it. Why she could never quite get there. Why she couldn’t deepen her connection with guys, why she could only love them but not _fall in love_ with them.

She’s gay.

She’s gay and she feels more for Maggie than she has for any guy she’s ever known. She has to kiss her. That’s Alex’s only thought. She needs to know what it feels like. She needs to know if this is the one thing she could never put her finger on, that if kissing a girl will fix it.

So that’s what she does.

Alex barely even hears Maggie asking her what she wants to drink, all she knows is that Maggie is walking away, so she grabs her by the hand and pulls her back in. As soon as Maggie’s lips touch her own, it starts to click.

Then, all too suddenly, Maggie is pulling away and Alex feels Maggie’s words more than she hears them, and the ache in her chest is overwhelming. She can’t be there when she’s feeling this much pain, so she leaves.

For one split second she thought her life was finally falling together instead of falling apart.

  


//

  


Maggie comes to her apartment with pizza and beer and Alex’s heart skips.

It’s pathetic how her stomach flips when Maggie starts talking about kissing the girls she wants to kiss, and then suddenly the girl she wants to kiss is _Alex_ and there’s lips touching lips.

There’s a split second of initial shock, and then Alex just melts. This is it. This is what she’s spent nights dreaming about. The way Maggie’s lips feel so soft against her own. How it feels to have Maggie’s thumb stroking her face. All of it. It all makes sense.

“So you’re saying you like me?” It slips out before Alex can even stop herself, because no matter how much she tries to convince herself this is real, she just needs that confirmation. Luckily, Maggie seems to think it’s cute, and she smiles that smile that Alex feels in her heart.

Alex can’t help herself when she leans in to continue their kiss, and it’s like coming home. It feels familiar in a way that she can’t explain.

She can’t get enough of it but it’s anything but desperate. She kisses Maggie slow and full of desire. She swears she could spend the rest of her life just doing this.

Then Maggie walks them backwards and pushes Alex up against the counter, bringing their bodies impossibly close together. Every inch of Alex’s skin feels as if it’s on fire, even though they’re still fully clothed. She can feel the curves of Maggie’s body against her own and she can’t stop herself from reaching down and grabbing Maggie’s ass to pull her closer.

Maggie pulls back breathlessly from their kiss at the action. “Careful,” she whispers against Alex’s lips. “If you get too handsy I don’t think I’ll be able to control myself.” The word ‘control’ is accentuated with a hand softly brushing over Alex’s stomach under her pajamas and her legs almost buckle underneath her.

“Um, maybe we should make a start on this pizza then,” Alex suggests, trying to regain her composure.

“One more kiss first,” Maggie says, leaning in to kiss her so painfully slowly that Alex almost blacks out, only to be brought right back into reality by Maggie biting her lip. It’s the sweetest torture she’s ever experienced, and even when Maggie lets go, Alex keeps her eyes closed and mouth slightly parted just taking the sensation in.

When she opens her eyes, Maggie is still looking at her, and the weight of the moment lies heavy on her chest. She knows she’ll never forget this feeling, forget how breathless she is, how Maggie’s hand is so incredibly gentle holding her fingertips by their sides.

“That was…” Alex trails off, unable to articulate how she’s feeling.

“I know,” Maggie replies, and Alex can see it in her eyes that she gets it.

Alex gets it now, too. And it was worth the wait.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for all and any kudos/comments/bookmarks! come say hi @hartooo on tumblr!


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